Category Archives: battle with ovarian cysts

My Infertility Journey: Hope Crushed Again

For three years after my back-to-back surgeries (2010 & 2011), I was able to successfully avoid ob-gyne visits.  But there’s this little belief that I shared with the Lord that finally gave me that inner push to have myself checked again.  And I’m sharing it here, in a very public post:  I believed in my spirit, against all odds & doom-sayings of medical science, that I will become a mother at the age of 37.

So there! My little secret is out in the open.

I am now less than three months shy of turning 37.  It’s time.  I was so excited for my miracle!  To prepare myself, I decided to go for work-up.  Went to a Chinese acupuncturist whose clinic was conveniently located near our home.

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Pins all over my body!!! With electrical heating lamp. Aaaargh!

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My complaining face…drinking Chinese Herbal Drink for a week, twice a day.

After this week-long regimen, Reuben & I visited an ob-gyne.  We opted for someone who is a Christian & was able to help other women in CCC with their pregnancies.

In the clinic, I began describing my last diagnosis from my surgery. The doctor was kind, but brutally honest.  I had a closed tube. My endometriosis was profound.  Her recommendation was for us to go back to my former surgeon, who was known in ob-gyne circles as the father of reproductive medicine & surgery in the Philippines.  She encouraged me to ask him for a very charitable discount for an IVF procedure.  Or to raise support for this, pointing out to us on her wall a picture of a missionary family who was able to raise P6M for their child who underwent liver transplant.  In my mind, “raising support” for IVF was out of the question because it’s not the kind of cause that ministry partners would consider investing in.  Plus, I have already made the decision three years ago not to pursue IVF out of personal convictions.

With heavy hearts, Reuben & I left the clinic.  There was a sense of loss that started welling up from my discouraged heart and found its way as tears in my eyes.  That afternoon, I reviewed every infertility story in the Bible to revive my hope.  I still wanted my miracle.

But Reuben was determined to move on. He has witnessed four years worth of waiting, tears & disappointment on my part.  He’s had enough. It’s time for us to consider other options.

(To be continued…)

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Filed under battle with ovarian cysts, children, Dealing with imperfections, infertility

Travails of A Mom Wannabe

Two years of battling ovarian cysts through surgeries have taken their toll on my emotions.  The last operation came with a verdict from my surgeon, Dr. Delfin Tan (Philippines’ renowned infertility specialist): my right fallopian tube is blocked and the only way for us to get pregnant was to undergo several tests and surgeries, ultimately leading to fertilization through test tube and in-vitro.  It would mean a costly half million peso procedure, various hormonal manipulations, and a 20% chance of success.  It wasn’t so hard to say, “No, thanks.”

Infertility is never easy, especially to those like me who envisioned a future as a mom raising her own children and nurturing them toward godly living.   I understand now how certain biblical women felt about their own infertility:  Sarah with her incredulous laughter, Hannah with her desperate prayer & vow, and Elizabeth with her quiet surrender.  As I reflected on their lives and how God answered their prayers, I sensed the Holy Spirit gently persuading my heart to remain hopeful.  A child will come, someday.  Whether through a miracle of an opened tube or adoption, that child is already divinely hand-picked for us.  All we need to do now is relax, pray while waiting, maximize our time and gift of being a couple, and enjoy other people’s baby blessings.

We praise God for the grace to walk through this season in our lives as a childless couple.  Sometimes it’s difficult; other times, we feel blessed by the tremendous freedom from being child-free.  We still see our home being filled with children someday, by faith.  It’s only a matter of time…we are waiting on the Lord.  Please pray with us.  😀

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Filed under battle with ovarian cysts, children, infertility, sufficiency in Christ